Saying Its over - and talking to each other afterwards

Last updated: December 2020 | 5 min read
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This article will be useful reading for anyone going through a divorce, as well as anyone with a supportive role, for example, parents, grandparents and friends.

Hearing that you are not loved anymore and that your partner doesn't want to live with you is always painful, no matter how it's done. But the manner in which it's done can very much affect the intensity and duration of that pain and of other feelings, such as anger. There are bound to be matters you will need to sort out after the separation - if you have children you may need to do this for many years. It is always preferable to be able to agree things between you rather than asking the court to decide. It is less stressful, less expensive and less traumatising for the children.To be able to agree, you need to be able to communicate with each other.

I want a divorce

You have thought long and hard about it, may have tried counselling and your mind is now made up that you no longer want to have a relationship with your partner. How do you tell him/her? There isn't really a 'right' or a 'wrong' way of doing this, but there are some things that are more constructive than others, so before doing it, you might want to consider the following:

  • Choose your moment

Try to think about other things going on in your partner's life.Does she/he have any particular stresses which will be over soon, such as a new job, an illness, for example? Is this a particularly important 'family time', such as an anniversary, Christmas? If this is the case, could you wait until it's over?

  • Choose your method

Being 'dumped' by text message, e-mail or on the telephone is extremely hurtful. If you are afraid that your partner may turn violent, one of those may well be the best way for you to break the news. If not, a face to face conversation is much more considerate and fair to your partner.

  • Choose your setting

Try and find a time and place where you are not disturbed or interrupted, particularly by children, family or friends. If you decide to go out, consider whether your partner might think of this as a romantic dinner. Avoid places that have a special significance for you as a couple.

  • Choose your words

Your partner is likely to feel shocked and/or very upset, so it might be better to not discuss too many practical issues until a later time.

  • Be prepared for a reaction

Don't assume that your partner 'knew' the relationship was in trouble. S/he may well be very shocked by your announcement and likely to experience (and express) all sorts of emotions.

  • Try to empathise

The 'reason' you're leaving might well be that you feel your partner has made your life hell, so empathising could be a bit difficult. At this particular point they are hurting, though and it might not help them or you to tell them that 'they've only got themselves to blame';

  • Arrange another time to talk

This doesn't have to be a fixed time or date but could just be an agreement to talk about it some more in a few days time.

If your partner is likely to be violent, you should always consider your own and your children's safety first. It might be better to leave a note and go to a place of safety, or to make sure you have other people present.

Keep talking

You may have considered all the above when breaking the news or you may have already done it (or your partner might have found out about another person in your life, for example). Whatever happened, unless you want a lot of stress and legal expenses, you will need to find a way to keep (or start) talking to each other.

All the above points apply to other discussions you might have with each other. Some people find it helpful to 'set an agenda', for example, to say beforehand that they want to sort out the contents of the house. If one or both of you are feeling very hurt or angry, it might help to acknowledge that, to say that you understand that the other person feels like that. Starting conversations about whose fault something is tends to be unproductive as it makes people feel even more angry and upset. You could, if you feel ok about it, have a talk just about how you each feel. Or you could write a letter to your partner - you don't need to send it. Those strategies can help to keep the emotional side separate from the practical side and might make it easier to reach an agreement.

If you have already stopped talking to each other and want to start again, write a nice letter to your partner, not blaming him or her, but just saying that you feel it would be in everybody's interest if you could at least try to talk to each other again.

Further help

Don't forget that there is lots of help available. Mediation can help you talk to each other and reach agreements about your money and children. Counselling can help you work through your emotions.

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